The Curse of the Push-Over Friends
A couple of days ago I came to the conclusion that I was a ‘Push-over Friend’. Once I had dropped off my drunken friend at home after she got completely trashed at some luncheon we were invited to, it dawned on me that during the course of that entire evening my friend had not spoken to me properly. In fact, she pretty much ignored me and went around flirting with all the guys there. She only came and had a chat with me towards the end when she wanted a lift home. As well that, other people who I gave a lift to also did the same. I thought was getting used by my friends, and I was pretty sure that they would never reciprocate the favour in the future.
With that thought in mind, I went into work the next day in a pretty bad mood. My mood darkened further still when I noticed that a couple of those people I had also given lifts to barely acknowledged me and didn’t even talk to me during our lunch break. As a result of my dark mood, I had a fight with my boss over something stupid and he sent me home for the day, saying that I needed to ‘Cool off’. Not one of my friends phoned or texted me to see if I was alright.
I know it may seem like a really trivial thing, but while I seem to put so much effort into the little things, like lifts and looking after my friends, I thought they just take it for granted. For instance one particular friend, the drunken one, Elle, always uses me for lifts and ends up spending hours on my couch at home. She eats my food, expects me to pay for the parking when we go out somewhere and she only ever phones me up when she wants something. Whereas I phone her up randomly just to catch up, find out what’s going on in her life, and ask whether she wants to meet up somewhere. Her excuse is that she doesn’t earn enough money to go out and treat me to things the way I do with her; but I know for a fact that she has every opportunity of earning the same as me. She’s just too lazy.
It got me thinking, why do I try so hard and put so much effort into friendships where I seem to be making all the effort? I make a huge effort both emotionally and financially to look after my friends, and yet they didn’t seem to bat an eyelash when I’m upset. During a particularly dark patch I had with some guy that we used to hang around with, my friends didn’t once phone me up to see how I was doing. If that had been one of my friends in that position, I would have been concerned and would have phoned up to see how they were doing. But my friends… they seemed far too self-centred to notice my problems, let alone care.
In an effort to figure out why I try so hard in my friendships, I decided I’d try hanging around with a different bunch of people. I phoned up old friends that I hadn’t seen for ages and after effectively rounding up quite a diverse group of people, most of whom I’d been quite friendly with in college, we went out to a new club that had opened up a couple of blocks away from my apartment. ‘Rain’ was a new club that had become famous within the space of two weeks for its foam parties, sprinkler dances and bubble machines – even though everyone knew that they posed quite a few health and safety hazards. While I had enjoyed those sorts of things in clubs when I was 18, I found that at the age of 25 they were getting a bit old and, as I usually did, I found myself a quiet spot to sit and chat with some of my old friends that also found the foam and sprinklers a little too much.
The evening was pretty much the same as it would have been with my regular friends, except the conversation was a lot more stilted and uncomfortable. We hadn’t seen each other in ages and so my old friends and I found it hard to talk freely, though I did make a huge effort to keep the conversations flowing. However, there was one friend in particular that I didn’t have to make much of effort with. Tammy, my best friend from college, got on with me like a house on fire. It was almost as if we had never been apart and I wondered why I had stopped hanging around with her so much.
“God! I’ve missed this!” Tammy said over the club noise as two of our other old friends engaged in their own private conversation.
“I know! I can’t believe we didn’t keep in touch!” I told her with a laugh, looking over at the huge mass of foam covered dancers and chuckling. “It’s almost like we’re back in college with everyone here!”
“Yeah, those were the good old days!” Tammy said before downing her drink and asking, “Are you seeing anyone special at the moment then?”
“Not really. I don’t seem to have many offers at the moment,” I said with a shrug. “What about you?”
“Me neither. I’ve been dating a couple of guys, but they’re all so boring. There isn’t enough excitement in the relationship and we just don’t connect.”
I grimaced, “I hate it when that happens. Well… at least you have guys interested in you.”
“I’m sure there are plenty of guys interested in you, you just don’t see it,” Tammy said consoling.
I sighed and shook my head, “They’re all nerds and fatties.”
“No! I’m sure there must be someone gorgeous here who’s interested in you,” Tammy said, looking around at the mass of people that were dancing and chatting around us. I then saw her narrow her eyes and smile. She then pointed towards the bar. I followed her gaze and I thought I felt my heart stop for a moment.
It was Harris. The guy that I had spent the best part of six months getting over and whom I had avoided like the plague. And he was looking over at us. At me. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on ends as I stared back into those blue eyes that had enchanted me so many times. He was good looking in a cheeky boy sort of way, but he was bad news. He played every girl he could possibly manage; and I had been one of them. My heart began to race and I turned to Tammy with a stricken expression when I suddenly noticed who Harris was with. It was that guy from a couple of weeks ago – the one with the perfect answer. Everything seemed to stop when I saw that guy with Harris. He didn’t notice me and continued talking to Harris as Harris stared over at me. My face drained of colour and Tammy put a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you alright?” she asked me anxiously, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I turned to her and shakily said, “I’m alright. I think I did just see a ghost.”
“Bad ex?” she asked sympathetically before looking back over at them with a sneer and added with an over exaggerated voice, “He’s not that great. He’s good looking, but he has shifty eyes.”
I laughed and smiled whimsically as I looked over at them, “Yeah. Shifty eyes. Shifty personality too.”
“So he was a major crash then?” Tammy asked, looking at them again and sipping her cosmopolitan.
I nodded vigorously. “Definitely a major crash. He really fucked around with my feelings.”
“Who’s that guy with him?” Tammy asked slyly.
I blinked, my heart skipping a beat as I realised who she was talking about. I stuttered for a moment, feeling flustered before saying, “I don’t really know him. We’ve spoken before, but we never got round to introducing ourselves. He’s really nice.”
“Why don’t you go and introduce yourself then?” Tammy asked cheekily, “It wouldn’t hurt to flirt with an ex’s friend, right?”
I thought she had a point, but I suddenly realised what she was angling at. I suddenly remembered exactly why I hadn’t continued my friendship with her. Getting up, I told her I was going to the toilet and I quickly bolted away from her as quickly as possible. I remembered all the things she had done when I was friends with her and I felt my fury rise again as I understood what she was planning to do. I saw the look she had been giving that guy and I knew that she planned to steal him away like she had done with so many other guys I’d been interested in. I know I probably overreacted, but that particular look she had given him seemed so familiar to me that I wanted to hit her for it. It then dawned on me that my current friends would never do that. They may have used me from time to time, but they knew the boundaries and never overstepped them – it was my fault for letting them use me in the first place. I was the one to blame, not them.
Rummaging around in my clutch bag, I found my phone and phoned Elle up. She immediately picked up. “What’s up?”
“Can you come save me?” I asked into the phone, leaning against the wall of some deserted corridor.
“Where are you?” she asked seriously. I could hear her moving about quickly and grabbing her keys.
“I’m at Rain,” I said. I then held my phone away from my ear.
“What the fuck are you doing there without us?!” she screamed into the phone. When she stopped yelling I put the phone back to my ear in time to hear her say, “I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Wait there.”
She hung up and I let out a sigh of relief. I was safe. Until I saw a shadow loom over me. I looked up and found myself face to face with Harris. He held a drink up at me and smiled his cheeky boy smile and I began to panic. I shook my head and started heading towards him quickly, trying to be as intimidating as possible. Surprised, he stumbled backwards into someone behind him and I quickly darted around him. I fled towards the bar and tried to hide myself in the huge gaggle of people waiting to be served. I hoped that I wouldn’t be recognised.
“Are you alright?” I heard someone ask. The voice was familiar and I looked up in amazement as I saw Harris’ friend looking at me in concern. The light of recognition passed in his eyes as he saw it was me and then he smiled his ever-dashing smile. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”
I swallowed hard and replied, “Me too.”
“Who are you with?” he asked me.
Without thinking I replied, “A man eater.”
“A man eater? I thought you’d be the man eater. You look gorgeous,” he said with a grin as I looked down at the bar in embarrassment.
“No. I’m here with a friend who… oh nevermind,” I said, looking up at him tiredly.
He then did something that I never expected. He snaked his arm around my shoulder and asked, “Are you alright? You look pretty shaken.”
“No. I’ve just been seeing ghosts from the past that I wish I hadn’t seen,” I told him, feeling so small with his arm around me.
“Bad ghosts. I know what that’s like,” he said with a sigh, removing his arm from my shoulder and taking a swig of his drink. He then turned back to me and added, “I know who you are by the way.”
My heart stopped. “H-How…”
He smiled. “Harris told me all about you two.”
“It’s all bad, I presume,” I said bitterly.
“Not all bad. Some of it is very good,” he replied. I looked up in shock, curious and questioning. He chuckled, “In short, he said you’re fine woman. A smart, sexy woman. And a great friend. And do you know what I said to him?”
“No,” I breathed. I began to feel weak kneed.
He stared down at his drink for a moment before looking back at me and saying seriously, “That, from what he’s told me, he was damn fool for letting you go.”
It was then that I felt a gentle tug on my arm and I looked behind me and saw Elle looking up at him in concern. I turned back to my mystery man, the one with the perfect answers, and gave him a sorrowful smile. I still didn’t even know his name. He knew that I had to go and he gave me a little nod before quickly saying, “We’ll meet again sometime soon.”
“I hope so,” I said, before letting Elle drag me out of the club.
When Elle and I got to my house, I felt completely drained. Strangely, Elle seemed to understand this and she immediately set about making me tea and getting me into my pyjamas. I felt a rush of relief as I saw her busying about my bedroom officiously and I felt myself on the verge of crying.
“I’m sorry Elle,” I whispered from behind my tea mug, trying to stop myself from crying.
Elle looked up in confusion. “What for?”
“For making you come out to pick me up tonight,” I said to her, “Even after I’ve been doubt you and thinking that I was the only one making any effort.”
“Effort?” Elle asked, not quite understanding. She stopped folding my clothes up and sat on my bed with a soft smile. “If you’re referring to effort in this friendship, the only reason I don’t do this more often is because I don’t usually need to.”
“Don’t… need to?” It was my turn to be confused.
Elle sighed and put her hand on top of mine. “You’re always able to take care of yourself and you’ve always been self-reliant like that. It’s part of why I love you. You look after yourself –and- me, and you seem to do it so instinctively and effortlessly.”
I started crying after that and she stayed with me for the entire night. Exactly like I had done for her so many times before.
